In the spring of 2019, just days after Jeff Bezos finalized his divorce from his wife of 25 years, the Amazon founder was spotted in New York City’s East Village, treating himself to an ice cream cone from Milk Bar. If Bezos coped with a rumored $35 billion-with-a-B divorce settlement by getting a single scoop of cereal milk soft-serve, then we really want to know what he’s dealing with right now.
Because according to a California ice cream company, he just had a commercial-grade soft-serve machine installed in his house. Maybe Bezos saw some shit during his 11-minute flight to the bottom edge of space? Maybe he’s working through something that his dopey cowboy hat can’t compensate for? Or maybe it’s a combination of the two?
On Monday, Los Angeles-based CVT Soft Serve revealed that they’d just put one of their CVTeeny soft serve machines in Bezos’ SoCal home. “I don’t expect you to believe what I’m about to tell you, but it’s 100% true. I’m still trying to mentally process this,” CVT owner Joe Nicchi wrote on Instagram. “I just did an ice cream delivery to a guy that now has CVT on tap in his house 24/7. Thank you Jeff Bezos for being our first residential #CVTeeny client. What. The Actual. Fuck?!?”
VICE reached out to Nicchi to find out…you know, what the actual fuck, and he declined to comment beyond confirming the details in the Instagram post. On its website, the company describes the CVTeeny as a solution for an “office or college cafeteria” that “[sells] crappy dessert,” or as an option for restaurants. The triple-head design allows it to dispense the three flavors referenced in CVT’s name—chocolate, vanilla, or twist. But since this piece of equipment went into Bezos’ actual home, the most appealing aspect might be that it doesn’t look like it was copped from a commercial manufacturer. (VICE also reached out to Bezos, but did not receive a response.)
Instead of the generic chrome and black plastic finishes on other restaurant-quality models, the CVTeeny has the same vibe as CVT’s two-tone ice cream vans, which log a lot of weekly miles in the Los Angeles area. The CVTeeny also has a customizable replica of a California license plate on its ‘bumper,’ and we’d love to know what combo of letters Bezos got on his. (We’re hoping for PNISRCKT.)
Nicchi also politely sidestepped VICE’s questions about how much an in-home CVTeeny costs. On a couple of restaurant supply websites, the prices for a soft-serve machine can range from around $7,800 for a single-flavor countertop-sized model to roughly $22,300 for a full-sized floor model with two hoppers that allow it to dispense (and twist) two flavors. But even that gloriously industrial SaniServ 522 WATER Twist machine doesn’t have the aesthetic appeal of the CVTeeny, which most likely adds a few bills to its price tag.
But let’s be honest: Bezos can still afford it. One business magazine estimated that Bezos makes $3,715 every single second, so even if his new personal soft-serve dispenser cost him a cool (PUN INTENDED) $50 grand, he’d make that money back in 13 ½ seconds—which is probably less time than it takes to fill an entire waffle cone.
That info is enough to give anybody a brain freeze.