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Jimmy Kimmel Unleashed at Disney Upfronts: “We’re Building One Big Ad-Supported Pile of Sh**”

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Jimmy Kimmel rarely holds back during his annual monologue to Disney advertisers, but this year he was particularly brutal about the state of the business.

The ABC late-night host laid into CEO Bob Iger, the Golden Bachelor, streaming bundles, Star Wars, Elon Musk and many other topics.

Here were some of his best — and most cutting — jokes to the Madison Avenue audience:

— “Golden Bachelor is a key part of our strategy to steal CBS’ viewers by putting them in a house together. We’re now launching the Golden Bachelorette, a game show where you can win an old lady. Joan is our new Golden Bachelorette. She has four kids and two grandchildren. Are the grandkids ready to see grandma get raw-dogged in a jacuzzi?”

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— “I’m glad you’re inside. I heard Amazon left you guys out on the porch. You’re lucky you didn’t get stolen. It’s so great to be back in the abandoned shopping cart district.”

— “Bob Iger should be retired by now, he should be off on a yacht somewhere. Instead he’s here pretending to be excited about a new season of Will-Fucking-Trent. Bob tried to sell us last year, he put us up for sale, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, no one wanted to buy us. When no one was interested, Bob explained that he didn’t mean he literally wanted to sell us, he was just testing the waters for Wall Street. You know, Bob, when people test the waters, they usually dip in a toe, they don’t drown their children.”

— “We are bundling and while from the outside this may look like an act of desperation, from the inside, it also looks like that. We didn’t want to bundle, we had to — like when you’re freezing to death and it’s so cold you have to get into a sleeping bag with your uncle so you don’t die. That’s us. You’ve seen our churn rates. This is not just churn. It’s Chernobyl. Now finally our users can turn on their TV and get all the channels in one package for one price all supported by ads. We call it ‘basic cable’ and it’s gonna blow your mind. We’re consolidating. We are building one enormous ad-supported streaming pile of shit.”

— “It must be a good idea because it’s already getting copycats. Netflix, Apple and Peacock just announced their new bundle StreamSaver today. What an excellent name. StreamSaver sounds like a catheter you might find for sale on TuckerCarlson.com.”

— “All our content is available in one place — and also in multiple other places too.”

— “We have a sports bundle. ESPN is teaming up with Fox and Warner Brothers Discovery to give subscribers … live games, fantasy sports and betting. It’s a package we’re calling it Weekend at Divorced Dad’s House.”

— “What we’ve come to understand about our audience is they would rather be watching Netflix. Remember when Netflix thought they were above all this? They came in to destroy commercial television and now guess what? They want to sell you commercials on television. Now those smug b-holes have to lick your nuts like the rest of us!”

— “And of course [Netflix is] acting like they’re excited about it. Like, ‘Oh my god, we love ads in our shows, it just never occurred to use to put them there.’ Scumbags. We’ve been whoring ourselves out for years and know how to do it. We don’t need all this foreplay. We leave a key at the front desk, you come up to the room and have at it. Grab a bottle of Hulu, I’ll be facedown on the bed.”

— “This new season shows you the Kardashians like you’ve never seen them before, assuming you’ve never seen them before. Otherwise, it’s exactly the same shit as the last 17 years.”

— “Unlike our competitors, we don’t think of you as faceless ATMs. We pretend to give a fuck about once a year and throw shrimp at you like you’re some kind of sea manatees at SeaWorld. We think of you as freedom fighters. We think of you as American heroes fighting to keep television free for the people. Remember when Elon Musk was being interviewed, he told advertisers to go fuck themselves? We would never do that. But we do want to remind you that he did.”

— “Things are changing at CBS and not for the better. Young Sheldon is coming to an end after seven seasons. I know, I haven’t seen it either. But what I do know is that there’s a 100 percent chance that somewhere at CBS headquarters right now there is a whiteboard with the words Old Sheldon? written on it.”

— “CBS also announced this will be the 14th and final season of Blue Bloods. Those assholes. Your grandpa has one thing left to live for.”

— “We are one unified Disney and we’re joining forces with Warner Brothers Discovery. I have to say, I haven’t seen this much corporate camaraderie in this business since last summer when they all worked together to starve the writers.”

— “[Disney+’s new show] The Acolyte is about a Jedi investigating crimes and the show is set during the High Republic-era of the Star Wars timeline — which means it takes place before The Phantom Menace and after I stopped giving a shit.”

— “You’re probably wondering why I am so giddy. It’s because Disney is ‘using proprietary meta tagging data that leverages video intelligence to tap into the moods and emotions within the content we create.’ That’s why I’m so proud of what we’ve done here. Until this afternoon, I thought Disney’s magic words were ‘bibbity-boppity, we own everything, fuck you.’”

— “We have the best AI analytics of anyone. We have a ‘reach machine.’ Okay. How far does that machine reach? Like, can it reach around you? Because I think that would be good.”

— “Just think about how you want to live your life. The only thing that matters, the only that truly matters is our relationships. It matters that our families are healthy, and that the interoperability of our various digital tools and sales platforms provide efficient data tracking and unparalleled identity management. That’s it.”

Kimmel made the remarks during Disney’s annual upfront presentation to advertising executives at the North Javits Center in New York City.

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